Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Gallery of Tacky Rings Found on Ebay pt. 3

In this issue, I'm cheating a little because some were found off of websites. However, they're still for sale and they still cost too much. Rings of questionable taste are a hot topic on the jeweler's forum I'm on. A new facet of discussion is whether or not we've actually seen anyone wearing these items that wasn't:

1) a severly obese opera diva
2) a southern televangelist's wife (must have big hair)
3) Cher or drag queen doppleganger
4) Liz Taylor or drag queen doppleganger
5) all of the above

Recently, one of the guys from DiamondTalk posted a reenactment of how the bench jewelers felt when the scrotum crab ring (featured in pt.2) was finished. It's probably very accurate:

So, onto new frontiers of ugliness!

This one has got to be the gaudiest most over-done piece of bling possible. Why, who needs a chandelier when you've got this baby on? I swear those briolettes (those amethyst tear drop thinggines) are hanging off of wads of aluminum foil. Seriously though, aside from the aluminum foil garnishes, the workmanship is actually quite impeccable. Look at how finished the underside of the ring is and that's quite a lovely citrine this ring holds. I guess the jeweler figured if he was gonna make something this gaudy and overdone, gosh darn it he might as well do the best job ever even if it kills him-which is probably what he was hoping for after he saw the client sketches.

On the other end of the spectrum we've got one with no workmanship. Just head on over to your local Home Depot, grab a roll of wire, rummage in your seat cusions for some baubels and tada! Finito. You're done. You don't need a stinking jeweler to make this for you. Furthermore, if you ever need to fix your fence, you've got pleny of wire on hand...on your hand.

There's a reason why shoulder pads went out in the 80's. Either the amethyst is an executive transvestite ready to make a business deal or the artisan wanted to make a ring that could pick locks as well.

A dentist must have held a bench jeweler at gun point to make this ring for him. Shit. Look at the size of this thing. I bet it was an endodontist. What the hell is this? It looked like it was pulled out of the mouth of a Vegas show animal or something. Apparently it's a semimount, but the crazy thing is that it is diamond encrusted. Not only is it a tooth, but you can use it as an industrial abrasive! Either way, no one is bidding on this item. I have seen it relisted on ebay multiple times. Please stop and just sell it for scrap. You'll get more money out of it.

These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise
To explore strange new worlds
To seek out new life and new civilizations
To boldly go where no man has gone before...Da Dah DAHHHM da da dah daaa duuuuhmmm!

Why look. Here's a new lifeform! It must be a friend of that other ring from the planet Zogg. Maybe its a tribute to the alien from the Simpsons. Either that or some jeweler decided to gold plate a Morel mushroom.

If you're not into the exotic Morel musrooms, then you can have a lovely ring depicting regular white button mushrooms. Look at the poor turquoise trapped amongst all that ugliness. It almost looks ashamed. I love how the auctioneer took pictures from multiple angles. As if we really need to see all facets of its ugliness.

This ring is so cool it can stand on it's own. Literally. Actually, it looks like the rocket that Mr. Morel Mushroom ring above traveled on in order to rendevous with the Enterprise.

Would anyone like a piece of gum? (For the record, the green stones are tourmaline.)

I'm not sure what bothers me more: the fact that the ring looks like a seat cusion or the fact that someone would wear something with that many bows.

Man, is someone REALLY excited to see me. Of all the boobie rings I've come across, I've never seen one with nipples like that.

If you're into something kinkier...

Oy. This is just ugly and people bid on it! I don't think the peat bog was ready to give up a diamond yet when this sucker was harvested. I don't think the stone is even transparent, so to put it in this type of setting (micro pave work is time consuming to do) is such a waste.

Sure you want a lot of bling. Maybe you can't afford a huge diamond, but for God's sake quit setting small diamonds in massive settings. It looks like the center stone is about to get swallowed up as dinner by PacMan.

Once again we have one of those "organic" looks. While this isn't as bad as golden poopie ring the fact that this ring contains incredibly high quality diamonds and a top quality pink sapphire upsets me. This ain't a cheap ring. Maybe the jeweler had too much to drink and his hands weren't steady....or maybe a mineral mine had his turn after the gold ore mine took a shit.

This looks like something that belongs to Paris Hilton. It's pink. It's guady. It looks cheap but probably costs a million bucks.

Basic rule of thumb: If the Queen won't wear it, neither should you.

Related Links:
Gallery of Tacky Rings Found on Ebay Part 1
Gallery of Tacky Rings Found on Ebay Part 2



Blogger stitchwitch said...

Oh, my god. these are so bad. I was laughing out loud. Hope you are feeling better.

Thursday, June 01, 2006  
Blogger heavy metal mom said...

You've really outdone yourself in this installment!
I enjoyed it very much - but only because of your wit - NOT the rings!! MY EEYEEEEES!!!!! Oh god!!!! Please tell me people don't wear these!!!

The funny thing is that sometimes when I'm doing art
it comes out hideous and wrong. The difference? I throw it away! Please people - you can actually take this stuff apart and make GOOD jewelry out of it!

Thursday, June 01, 2006  
Blogger cchang said...

I think it's that green boobie ring with the erect nipples that had me scratching my head the most. I mean, really! What were they thinking?

Friday, June 02, 2006  
Blogger blogme said...

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Monday, July 10, 2006  
Blogger Samuelwilliam said...

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Saturday, July 29, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Saturday, June 02, 2007  

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