Thursday, May 22, 2008

it's about time

I sat down with my friend Claudia and had a deep and honest and discussion about... me. I don't mean what's happening and stuff, but rather, what's going on inside of my head, who I think I am and who I need to be.

In some ways, I think of Claudia as my older wiser self (and she sees me as the younger version of her) so it works out perfectly. I go to her for advice. She tells me what she would have done differently when she was my age. It's kinda scary, but at times it seems like she can read my mind even though we don't really keep in constant contact with one another. She's just really truly understands me and how I think. So, when I get a reality check comment from her, I take it very seriously. These two in particular:

"You need to take a break and emotionally divorce yourself from everyone but you."

"Who you were raised to be isn't necessarily who you are."

I've been on a slippery slope emotionally ever since I quit my last job and my dad died (these two things are sorta intertwined together in the back of my mind even though they have nothing to do with each other). Deaths amongst loved ones, divorces, broken friendships, trusts betrayed, financial crisis --you name it, my circle of friends have been through it all and I trudged through the ugly with them since I'm normally the rock. The stable one. The person who doesn't crack under pressure...

The good thing though is that all these events caused me to self reflect much more frequently about what all one actually *needs* to be happy in life.

Find happiness within is such a hackneyed expression but it speaks truth. I see it so obviously now, how my friends flit around exchanging one external object for another constantly looking for that one thing that truly inspires them. With Jocco he moves from country to county looking for nirvana. Jay seems to think finding "the one" will solve his problems. Miki's always changing jobs None of them are happy...on a smaller level everyone does this with material objects striving for bigger and better, faster or newer.

I suppose I go through hobbies and musical instruments searching for that one particular thing that inspires me truly. I'm still searching for that, so I guess truth be told "find happiness within" is a good statement to take to heart.



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