there is no spoon

It's nearly midnight yet I've got some espresso percolating through the french press sitting on my counter while a glob of condensed milk and an entrapped spoon sits at the base of my mug waiting for its warm coffee bath to come, melt away the saccharine stickiness and turn the concoction into a fragrant cup of coffee... Except, I can't quite enjoy the coffee anymore because it reminds me too much of a tiff I had recently with my friend:

He was voicing his annoyance at how the condensed milk was dripping and smearing all over the counter. My flat response was "That's why I leave the spoon in the cup."

And with that he shoved the mugs at me and stormed off.

What I meant to say was "I usually grab a large scoop and then leave the spoon in the cup so that I don't end up trailing milk back and forth from the tub to the container..." but the truncated version was what came out of my mouth. I have a tendency to say things half way when I'm tired or lost in thought or whatever. It sounded condescending to him. It hurt his feelings and thus in return, he decided to act childish and disrespectful.

My tolerance level for this kind of shit is so incredibly low. Tis true, I did not semantically answer in a way that made any sense, but the claim that I didn't understand the situation or observe his complaint correctly (as he continually insists) is just plain wrong. Had he answered "Dude, you really didn't address my problem..." or something along those lines, I wouldn't be as pissed.

I think I'm angry because his reaction is so similar to how I would have behaved when I was in high school or maybe even the beginning of college. I still am to a degree, but when I was younger I was highly sensitive. A condescending look from a cashier or someone who would not give me the right of way on the sidewalk would upset me for hours maybe days. I'd brood over that. If someone hurt my feelings, I'd lash out, throw negativity into the atmosphere so the whole damn world would know how shitty I felt. I'd throw down a mini tantrum that did nothing but make the opposing party as miserable as I...exactly as how my friend responded.

Well, I grew out of that. Years ago. It is true that I initially came into this world more incendiary than serene. I've mellowed out so much with age and through being a wife that my ability to empathize with that sort of hurt has grown distant. At one point I would have merely felt sorry for the opposing party, let it be "their problem" and ride out the storm letting things go. However recently, I've discovered I'm actually annoyed by those spurts of irate expression.

The real conflict for me though in the above scenario is that I immediately reacted the way my x-husband used to. Chase after him, try to appease the situation, make peace, apologize...I used to hold that trait in high regard. Would emulate it often. I'd to swallow my hurt from being disrespected and appease the opposing party in order to dispel any pain. Stoic. Solid. Even keeled.

I'd normally sit back and make excuses, ascertain the cause through reflection, understand that his negative reciprocation was not unwarranted-- a culmination of past hurts, pent up frustration from me and world, his upbringing, a bad day, whatever...

Right now though, that's not me and yet that was exactly how I defaulted. And then I became immediately resentful. In fact, I am resentful which is why I'm writing this.

I don't like feeling like a door mat. I don't like being aloof and indifferent, one flavor that consists of nothing but "sweet" and "kind." There's a part of me that wishes that I didn't choose to stand on my higher ground. I wanted to smack him, hurl the french press his way and stoop to his level make him pay for the negativity he threw my way...just to be self righteous and prove some stupid little point: coddling a brat only creates more brattiness

How is that any better? Is the fact that I didn't act on how I wanted react make me any better of a person than him? Sadly, probably not.

Shrug. I give up.

windows and clinginess

First off, a cute picture of Avani courtesy of Amy:


Like with Jay, I tend to get Avani withdrawal if I don't see the dear friend regularly. Jay's across campus. Avani is just downstairs but due to her massive workload and insane amount of meetings, I actually see her less. Maybe it's because these two are some of the most altruistic and introspective individuals I've ever known or perhaps it's simply because conversation threads are always interesting and fulfilling with either (not to mention frequently identical in content when you compare them...kinda scary) or maybe it's just because they both let me steal their food regularly and give great hugs...whatever the case, it occurred to me that I'm in a foul mood in part because I am sorely missing both of them a the moment which is so ridiculous because right now I'm located only a few blocks from either.

At the moment, in between writing a few lines of code, I am of course blogging. I'm situated at the Alumni center's coffee shop sitting in one of the window seats facing South. The surroundings are lush and green and from here with the canopy of trees it's difficult to tell that football stadium is only 50 feet away. There's Snow Patrol blaring on the radio. This to anyone familiar with the topics of this blog is also known as "Jay Repellent" as he hates this band yet ironically, all the lyrics read like his life.

I have no idea what Avani thinks of Snow Patrol, but a small part of me is unabashedly imagining her walking down the tree lined path that I see out this window. I can imagine her trotting along at a fast pace with her long legs sporting sensible shoes and tousling her thick and dark well-conditioned hair to get the bangs out of her face. She'll probably be mildly flustered after her long assessment meeting and needing some sort of refreshment, so she'll bound through the doors and order a small coffee with her strong and completely perfect diction shocking the baristas momentarily with the rich timbre of her voice. As she waits for the order to ring up, she'll quickly return the barrage of text messages her various friends have sent her. Perhaps a head scratch and then an adjustment of the glasses at this point. People will notice how smartly dressed she is in her pressed shirt and slacks and more than a few will admire her athletic 5'8'' frame. Then after getting her coffee cup, she will most likely notice me here as she adds her cream and sugar. She'll squeal "Cindy Bear" and would immediately come over. We'd catch up, have a great and wonderful conversation about spirituality or the complexities of human nature and I'd feel energized again able to concentrate because I know somewhere in this world there is someone who is truly interesting yet accessible to me...course I won't complain if Jay walks down this path too.

In contrast to Avani, he'd amble along in his ratty green shoes, quintessential green polo shirt and well worn blue jeans, most likely puffing a hand rolled cigarette and completely oblivious of the people who walk by. No one will notice his cerulean eyes because he's always looking down or far away. He won't care that he's incredibly late to his meeting that's going on at the moment. What difference would another 15 minutes make? If it's not tied back, he'll probably be messing with his hair as well, flipping the elbow length golden colored locks badly in need of a trim over his shoulder as he hastily checks his text messages that he never returns with his scuffed up phone. He'll probably open the door and let whoever was behind him in first. He'll say hi to all the baristas behind the counter in his friendly voice that bares the slight north Texas accent he's never quite lost despite living in Austin for the past 7 years. After ordering his espresso, he'll check his text messages again all while rolling his eyes at the music playing over the loud speaker (remember, he hates Snow Patrol...). In order to ignore Snow Patrol's crooning, he'll chat with the gal behind the counter who so obviously has a crush on him and then he'll scrutinize the foam in his cup assessing the size of the steamed milk bubbles (he used to be a barista too). In all likelihood his back will be facing me as he adds a slight amount of cream (no sugar) to his drink and then he'll carry the cup outside and bask in the Texas sun. As he rolls up yet another cigarette this would be the point where he'd look through the window and see the familiar buddy typing up the vacuous details. If our eyes meet he'll give a sheepish grin and a chuckle. He'll hold up his finger signaling "1 more minute" as he hastily inhales his tobacco smoke, then after putting out the embers and carefully disposing the end, gather his things and walk through the door face stone cold and voice without expression announcing "Hey dude" or "Cinders!" depending on his mood. After a quick squeeze of the shoulders the conversation would go on pretty much identically as what Avani and I would have done...

Course this is all speculation. And in reality, Avani's booked all day and Jay, seeing that it's only 12:30pm is probably still asleep. If I think about it hard enough, I bet I'd have to call out their names to notice me because they both tend to have their head in the clouds and walk around oblivious to their surroundings.

So, here I am alone at the coffee shop needing to do my contract work but wanting instead to sit down with a friend to have a long meaningful conversation. I miss that. A LOT. A good portion of college was spent in coffee shops just talking and sharing a discussion. My biggest pet peeve is when someone derails a conversation and points it to whatever they and they alone want to talk about. One to one or group situations, it doesn't seem to matter. Air time gets sucked up into their bubble and no one's opinion really counts because they like the sound of their voice so much. You'd be surprised how many people are this way. I tend to shut down in these situations. Fine. Let them have the soapbox. If I speak or don't speak, it makes no difference...

People around me are engrossed in their laptops or cell phones. All I hear are complaints about homework and exams, office gossip and other vapid stuff... and it's draining. I think I need to change locations and go to the library or something.

I can't help but wonder what would happen if the two of them crossed paths and struck up a conversation on their own at that coffee shop. Where would it take them? Where would they leave off at? Would they find each other fascinating or incredibly boring since their convictions are so similar? Would they irritate each other because their mannerisms are so different? Who knows?

So trendy it hurts

I had this moment of mortification this morning as I was sashaying down San Jacinto st. in my Mossimo T, trendy capri jeans, gypsy hip belt and knee high boots. My ipod ear buds blared Shiny Toy Guns and I serenaded the 7am construction workers by belting out the words to "You are the One" as my dangle earrings swayed in tempo with each resolute step. It was when I shifted my messenger bag containing Scooter the microscopic laptop while responding to a text message chime (all while delicately balancing my double shot mocha) I stopped dead in my tracks and had this awful epiphany:

I reek of yuppie right about now.

Secondary thought:
Aren't I too old to enjoy Shiny Toy Guns?

The only saving grace was that my coffee drink was from a local shop.

on coffee drinks and the Dresden Dolls

It's $4 for one of those Starbuck's mocha creme frapps here on campus. I don't really like sweet drinks (except for white russians, but that's something different) and yet whenever I see someone walking by with one, I seem to have this bizarre sense of entitlement, like: I *deserve* an expensive coffee drink, damnit!.

Never mind that all it really consists of is a shot of caramel syrup, some chocolate syrup, cream, ice cubes and espresso...oh and whipped cream. $4. That's really expensive.

I drank half of mine and then tossed it into the trash because I started feeling nauseated. This stomach virus of mine that I got over the weekend hasn't quite let up 100% so excess sugar is just not a good thing. I didn't even get a caffine high off of this. Instead, I got my sugar spike and now I feel like sleeping a good 10 hours.

***
On a totally different topic, I LOVE the "Back Stabber" video by the Dresden Dolls. It's a bit racy so I didn't stick it directly in the post, but I have to say, I've got a thing for both Amanda Palmer and Brian Viglione. For one thing they look incredibly good together, but I just love their interactions. They're so comfortably blunt around each other. There was this documentary I was watching a few weeks ago where she's noshing on salad right before a rehearsal.

She turns to Brian: "Do I have anything in my teeth?"
He responds with something to the effect of: "Yeah, you've got a forest in there..."

They're about to get it on in the video which is why it's a little titillating (not to mention Brian looks fucking hot in drag) but in actuality they've got this solid, comfortable, deep platonic relationship going on. In interviews you read about how much they trust each other fully and completely. I mean, yeah, how many friends would you let grab your tit? Aside from Sammi, I can't think of anyone else and that was a one time deal and by accident (or so she claims. :P )

Amanda and Brian are like Scully and Mulder from X-files, if you ever watched that show. And if you recall, that Rolling Stone cover just made sexually frustrated nerds and sci-fi dorks across America go insane. I recall this one time when Ira Glass (at least I think it was Ira) on NPR just blurting out all of a sudden in the middle of a show that Mulder kissed Sculley after the new year's episode. That's how jarring it was. Scully and Mulder can't kiss! They're friends, damnit and yet, some part of you is just incredibly relieved because the world seems too cruel if they don't hook up just a little bit.

Anyway, the whole Amanda and Brian fascination falls into the same category. The two are artistic partners through and through and hot damn, do they photograph well:





Furthermore, Amanda is just amazingly good at writing. It's not high brow super intellectual blatherings but she has a way of conveying day-to-day life and musings in a such a frank and simple manner incredibly accurately (and really, isn't this the qualifications of a good blogger?). I'm not just talking about her song writing either. Here's a bit from her bio to give you a taste:

for some reason i was pretty friendless throughout high school, so i spent most lunches with my latin teacher or sitting with a styrofoam tray full of canned fruit and peanut butter and fluff sandwich in one of the practice rooms in the music department pounding out chords on the piano and writing about things i didn't like. like malls, and mean boys.

The Dresden Dolls diary is a great read if you haven't visited before.