Nutcracker

Can you believe auditions for Austin Conservatory/Austin City Ballet's "Nutcracker" is this freaking Saturday? I already dislike the bulk of the music (sorry Tchaikovsky...nothing against you in particular) but imagine if you had to hear it ever Saturday from now until December? I'd be ready to poke someone's eyes out.

Why don't you shove that sugar plum up your ass eh? EH?

If I did audition, I suspect I'd end up being one of them Snow Fairies.



Sure, we'd look pretty and all in our white and silver tutus gracefully fluttering around. What no one bothers to tell are the various items people have used as "snow" for those scenes and the hazards associated with them:

Shredded Paper
Sure, it's economical and all, but a freaking hazard when you step in it especially doing a bunch of turns en masse. Besides, I'd distracted if I looked down and saw a corner of my 2005 tax return in the pile. Speaking of pile, the tendency is to sweep up the stuff and reuse it, so by the time you're doing the last set of performances, you may end up getting showered with bobby pins, hook and eye clasps, hair, paper clips, etc. Ouch.

Instant Mashed Potato Flakes
Surprisingly common since it is not a bio hazard, but let me tell ya, Mr. Nutcracker sweats. A lot. Same with the mice. They usually wear hot and heavy head gear for costumes and well, what do you expect? So, although it's not as dangerous as the above option, it's really nasty when you've got to dance in goop and a pain to clean up.

Soap Flakes
This certainly looks and flutters like snow, but when you get this shit in your eyes it stings. STINGS LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER. Also, along with Mr. Sweaty Nutcracker, this too is a hazard on stage. I do not suggest this option.

Plastic Flakes
Apparently the Houston Ballet uses this stuff. It's economical but bad for the environment. Probably carcinogenic too. The benefit is that you can reuse this stuff year after year....and the the snow drifts start to look like winter in Moscow all grey and dreary.

On a somewhat related note, I've always appreciated modern choreographer Mark Morris's interpretation of "Nutcracker." He calls his production "The Hard Nut" and in the snow scenes, the snow flakes are cast with males and females all wearing too short tutus and soft serve ice cream caps:


Anyway, this is all to say, I probably won't audition this weekend. I think I'm gonna help mom unpack some more and then hang out with my friend Mark and geek out on music for a while.

ballet and their absurd story lines

Well, I found out how I did at auditions yesterday evening and these are my roles:

Coppelia- Corps member
Firebird- Enchanted Princess (one of many)
Sleeping Beauty- Fairy Assistant (As Sammi pointed out, for some reason this sounds kinky when it really shouldn't.)

First of all, I had no idea I'd be assigned more than role in more than one ballet (we're doing a montage in the Spring). But what got me was that the roles aren't double cast. There are 3 nights of performances all at the end of March and well, I guess that means I'll be dancing my heart out all 3 nights. Yikes! I didn't realize this prior to signing my name in blood. Actually, it's not in blood, but there was a lengthy contract I had to read in detail and sign before accepting the parts. Good
grief! Why is show business so complicated?

I was relieved that I got to be a corps member for Coppelia, at first, that is. If you recall in my previous post, all I aspired to be was a nice cute little doll sitting on the shelf serving as human scenery. When I mentioned this, the ballet master responded with:

"Are you kidding me? You're going to be doing character work and lots of complicated point combinations ..."

Oh geeze. So, I'm not a shelf item. Apparently I'm one of them jolly towns people who break out into perfect choreography every time something significant happens like when someone buys bread or something. (Dance interludes in ballet are just as absurd as the filler songs in musicals.) They're also not particularly bright since they
can't seem to tell the difference between a cute doll with the awful name of Swanhilda and a jealous chick who pretends to be her come to life. When I hear "life size doll" I think of things that are inflatable and only used by lonesome middle-aged men. Also, why the hell would you ever name anything Swanhilda? It's the Hilda part that irritates me.

As for Firebird,I get to be one of the Enchanted Princesses. I'm guessing they're virgins and one of them has the hots for the garden variety prince. The sit around eating golden apples and whine about this evil dude who turns travelers into stone. I don't know what they're complaining about because he's ain't turning any of them to stone, but I digress. Due to the magic of the spastic
Ms.Firebird, she's able to ward off evilness with her powers and Mr. Prince Ivan snags of them broads.

Sleeping Beauty is Sleeping Beauty...we all know the story. I still have no clue what a fairy attendant does. I guess we fluff up their tutus, straighten out their wings and smile and nod every now and then. I'm not really sure and I have no idea what the choreography is like. Some of it is ridiculously hard. Case in point, the Blue Bird variation. Now, this leads me to wonder about something else. Why is it that Blue Bird, Puss and Boots and Little Red Riding Hood were all invited to Sleeping Beauty's return to life, but Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were excluded? I'm sure Santa wanted to be invited too...In terms of fairies we've also got: Canary, Strawflower, Lilac, Silver, Sapphire, Diamond...and Breadcrumb. What color is breadcrumb???? That ain't a color. I would hate to be named such a mundane food item as well.

Heh. So, there you have it. Those are the 3 ballets I'm in. I'll keep y'all posted on when I'm performing. :)