Austin Area Barbies

My friend Claudia sent me the funniest thing ever written by a friend of hers. It's totally un-PC, but the fac that it makes fun of EVERYONE in Austin, I think it's okay. I'm oh so tempted to make actual doll versions of these descriptions:

Mattel recently announced the release of the following
Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Austin market:

West Lake Hills Barbie

This princess Barbie is only sold at The Arboretum. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign
dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without
tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with
"augmented" version.

Round Rock Barbie

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan
and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time
occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold
separately.

Jonestown Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis
knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model
is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash,
preferably small, untraceable bills....unless you are a cop, then we don't
know what you're talking about.

Lake Travis Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club
membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private
School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Bastrop Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a
six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit
over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's! butt when she is drunk.
Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper
sticker absolutely free.

Lakeway Barbie

This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print Ski
outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge.
Percocet prescription available.

Buda/Kyle Barbie aka Muffin-Top Barbie

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
"Bubba" Ken out of Jonestown Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise
acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also
available with a mobile home.

Dripping Springs Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white
socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need
a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Dripping Springs Barbies and the
optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

East Austin Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional
accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangster Ken and his '79 Caddy
were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of
the infant.

Cedar Park Barbie

She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always
away hunting.

Montopolis Barbie

This Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and
three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken
doll comes with a ABIA baggage handler's uniform and is missing three
fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not availabl e for Montopolis
Barbie or Ken.

South Congress Barbie/Ken

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.

Sun City Barbie/Ken

These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't
have much time left. Neither of these can drive, but they both write
checks for everything or pay in change, and can provide hours of endless
repetitive conversation about "The good ole! days". Can be seen in Barbie
Grocery Store (sold separately) arguing over prices.