Johnny Luck
There are a few simple facts about my brother:
1) He loves dolphins.
It's almost a fetish. This started with a McDonald's Happy Meal back when they didn't suck and back when the toys were actually decent. He got a stuffed dolphin and I got a stuffed snake. One of them took more labor to create, I'm sure, and I think I got shafted, but that's besides the point. Anyhow, he named it "Seaweed." A few weeks later Mom took us back to Mickey-D's and I got a stuffed ball and he got yet another stuffed dolphin. This one was cuter apparently and he named her "Weaseed" Okey Dokey. I tried not to dwell on the fact that I got the shorter end of the stick again.
2) Johnny = Good Luck
As indicated by part 1, luck follows my brother like an abandoned puppy. You know those cheesy games you find in cereal boxes that are along the lines of "One in one million will win a wonderful-useless-toy-that-is-only-cool-because-this-is-a-contest?" It usually involves a scratch off card that's packed in cellophane. Anyhow, from these games my brother has won:
-A He-Man action toy
-A New Bike
-A Cabbage Patch doll (Neither of us wanted that, so he chucked the ticket. I do wonder if the people who set that game up had a word with Nabisco)
Now, it doesn't end there. He's won small amounts of money from random stints with scratch off lottery tickets. However, by far the best prize Johnny has ever obtained was back when he was only in 1st grade. I was in 5th. It was back when school cafeterias were offering items from fast food chains for the first time and HotPockets was doing a promotional contest in my district where each time you ate one of those stinkin' things, you'd get a ticket stub placed in a hat. No limit, since the point was to sell as many of those fowl inferior under-achieving strombolis as possible. The prize? A brand new Sony Play Station. I ate those fucking things every day for an entire month. My brother, due to leaving his lunch on the bus one day, bought one. Who won the play station? You guessed it. A twerpy little 6 year old from Colony Bend Elementary.
3) He reeks of southern bachelor.
You know Hank Hill from "King of the Hill?" That's pretty much my brother except he's Asian. Not only is my bro a staunch republican, he sounds like Hank. The boy's got 3 guns. One is a semi-automatic named "Missy." Here are what some of our conversations sound like. Imagine a guy with a drawl saying these things.
**
J: You know that band HIM. They suck. Unwholesome for a boy to look like an emaciated chick. Silly Swedes.
Me: I think he's from Finland anyway.
J: Shoot, it don't matter. They're both foreign. They're both white. What's the difference?
**
For Christmas I asked for a guitar stand.
J: I have a perfect guitar stand to give you... It's a big ass guitar amp.
Lean your guitar on that. It looks cool and bachelor-padish.
Me: Your guitar amp isn't that big
J: Compared to nothing, it sho is.
**
On abortion...
J: Well in case you haven't noticed, I can't exactly be doing any birthin' anyway. Oh, you're serious? Well, yeah, I'm for. Just ya know, staple a hussy's legs shut if it gets to be a problem. It's a cheaper solution anyway.
**
Random e-mail which really confused me.
J: I wish I could make seaweed and weeseed christmas cards. Don't you be thinking they're gay now. My dolphins are God loving creatures.
1) He loves dolphins.
It's almost a fetish. This started with a McDonald's Happy Meal back when they didn't suck and back when the toys were actually decent. He got a stuffed dolphin and I got a stuffed snake. One of them took more labor to create, I'm sure, and I think I got shafted, but that's besides the point. Anyhow, he named it "Seaweed." A few weeks later Mom took us back to Mickey-D's and I got a stuffed ball and he got yet another stuffed dolphin. This one was cuter apparently and he named her "Weaseed" Okey Dokey. I tried not to dwell on the fact that I got the shorter end of the stick again.
2) Johnny = Good Luck
As indicated by part 1, luck follows my brother like an abandoned puppy. You know those cheesy games you find in cereal boxes that are along the lines of "One in one million will win a wonderful-useless-toy-that-is-only-cool-because-this-is-a-contest?" It usually involves a scratch off card that's packed in cellophane. Anyhow, from these games my brother has won:
-A He-Man action toy
-A New Bike
-A Cabbage Patch doll (Neither of us wanted that, so he chucked the ticket. I do wonder if the people who set that game up had a word with Nabisco)
Now, it doesn't end there. He's won small amounts of money from random stints with scratch off lottery tickets. However, by far the best prize Johnny has ever obtained was back when he was only in 1st grade. I was in 5th. It was back when school cafeterias were offering items from fast food chains for the first time and HotPockets was doing a promotional contest in my district where each time you ate one of those stinkin' things, you'd get a ticket stub placed in a hat. No limit, since the point was to sell as many of those fowl inferior under-achieving strombolis as possible. The prize? A brand new Sony Play Station. I ate those fucking things every day for an entire month. My brother, due to leaving his lunch on the bus one day, bought one. Who won the play station? You guessed it. A twerpy little 6 year old from Colony Bend Elementary.
3) He reeks of southern bachelor.
You know Hank Hill from "King of the Hill?" That's pretty much my brother except he's Asian. Not only is my bro a staunch republican, he sounds like Hank. The boy's got 3 guns. One is a semi-automatic named "Missy." Here are what some of our conversations sound like. Imagine a guy with a drawl saying these things.
**
J: You know that band HIM. They suck. Unwholesome for a boy to look like an emaciated chick. Silly Swedes.
Me: I think he's from Finland anyway.
J: Shoot, it don't matter. They're both foreign. They're both white. What's the difference?
**
For Christmas I asked for a guitar stand.
J: I have a perfect guitar stand to give you... It's a big ass guitar amp.
Lean your guitar on that. It looks cool and bachelor-padish.
Me: Your guitar amp isn't that big
J: Compared to nothing, it sho is.
**
On abortion...
J: Well in case you haven't noticed, I can't exactly be doing any birthin' anyway. Oh, you're serious? Well, yeah, I'm for. Just ya know, staple a hussy's legs shut if it gets to be a problem. It's a cheaper solution anyway.
**
Random e-mail which really confused me.
J: I wish I could make seaweed and weeseed christmas cards. Don't you be thinking they're gay now. My dolphins are God loving creatures.
posted by cchang at 3:22 PM
6 Comments:
yay! thank you!
i really need to meet your brother sometime. i promise not to make any inappropriate comments about dolphins.
Heh. He's funny, but weird....in a good way though. We are related after all.
Good cranberry bread BTW. Yum yum. Did you put orange juice in it?
yep, there's both orange juice and orange rind in it.
i'm glad you like it! :)
also, i just wanna say: i can't believe you decided to forgo getting a free cabbage patch doll. dude.
i'll have to introduce you to mine sometime. her name is lolita. she's technically almost as old as i am, but at this point i'm way prettier. i love her. alvin mocks her.
Oh that's right! That's the one that Alvin stuck a collection jar next to because she looked like a derelict right?
buaa haaa haa! It was you! I swear it was 5th grad ewhen you won that play station thingging. or was it a nintendo? I don't remember the sunglasses, but I do remember a yellow snake. how funny.
Dude, you ARE republican and a homophobe...and you did say that whole bit about staplin a hussy's leg shut to that gal.
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